Getting Over Myself Already!

This is the fifth in a series of posts describing my experiences at Integral Agile Wizardry Boot Camp attended December 3 - 7, 2014 in San Francisco.

Post 1: The Starting Line of Integral Agile Wizardry
Post 2: The Integral Race Begins
Post 3: Learning to Pace Myself
Post 4: The Me

Around the third day of Integral Agile Wizardry Bootcamp, I started to get out of my own way a little bit. I started to put myself into the group (the WE, if you are an integral person). Instead of sitting in the group fearing to speak, I started to put myself out there. At this point I still hadn’t dealt with my survey results (see this post), but I had started to realize I was a worthy part of the group nonetheless.

On a smaller scale, we had established groups of 5 to work together on creating an Integral Agile Readiness Assessment that we could take back to our companies and expand upon. The group was made up of a pretty diverse set of people. All of us had our own set of creative and reactive tendencies, and the dynamics of the group created a perfect environment to explore and experiment with those tendencies.

Immediately upon our group joining together, group dynamics took hold. Tuckman’s stages of group development come to mind: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing.

Our group did a little bit of Forming work, but not to be outdone, we went pretty quickly into Storming. And what a Storm it was. Who hasn’t been in a group with a super diverse set of people and hasn’t gotten completely stuck in Storming? The setup of the group provided a perfect parallel to what an agile team goes through. We had all of the right ingredients:

• A goal (Draft Agile Readiness Assessment)
• A timebox (End of the week)
• Motivated, committed people
• People with diverse skills and backgrounds

We immediately got stuck on process (The IT quadrant of the integral model). Were we going to work independently to come up with our own ideas or were we going to work to group consensus first? Was this survey question a modality or an item? I felt myself getting frustrated. I felt the achiever in me just wanting to get something done. Ah what a perfect manifestation of my reactive tendencies! And those tendencies are: to go off on my own and do it myself without anyone else. Ignoring the relationships that need to be built (The WE quadrant) to make something amazing and thinking I could do it all myself. As we discussed process, I wanted us to work independently and come back to the group. At least then, the achiever in me (Reactive, but “I” quadrant) would be satisfied. I’d get SOMETHING done! Other members of the group wanted to work together.

We agreed to work together, and we tried the good ole' agile technique of an information radiator. We combined individual work with group work by individually brainstorming focal points and then coming together to combine those focal points. Brilliant.

Or not. We got caught up in process (IT quadrant) again, trying to categorize things appropriately and not duplicate multiple focal points. UGH! I kept observing my reactive tendencies to want to take over and control the situation. I’d observe, accept the feeling, and move on. I’d feel intensity in my core. I’d acknowledge the feeling, accept it, and relax. Throughout, I kept trying to get us going and was open about my feedback on how we were doing. I was sure people could feel my frustration, but I really tried to take more of a backseat. At least for me, it felt like a backseat.

At the end of one of our group sessions we did a brief gratitude exercise to close the day. We went around our small group, appreciating each other for whatever each of us found compelled to appreciate. As we went around the group, it was clear to me that there was some major unsaid tension. I was so sure that everyone was pissed at me for having my reactive tendencies come out. I started to get more and more upset and by the time we got around to all five of us and we were ready to step away, I blurted out, “I feel like there’s some major tension in our group. I would please ask you to provide me with feedback if I’ve offended you or if my reactive tendencies have impacted you negatively today.” Everyone awkwardly looked around at each other. Suddenly the floodgates opened. In fact there was some unsaid tension. But that tension had very little to do with me. I was only there taking on the feelings of the group as my own. I was accurate in my feeling of tension, but I was way off about it being all about me.

What’s the big lesson here?

There can be tension happening in a group of which I am a part, and it’s NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I really need to get over myself. How does this ‘being caught up in myself’ impact my ability to coach teams and organizations? It has a MAJOR impact.

I realized during the boot camp that I have all of this static going on inside my head about how I’m being perceived, what people are thinking about me, how they are looking at me, and how they are judging me. And I do this to a point that is unhealthy and unproductive. I’m not suggesting I should be walking around not giving a shit. But I kind of am. As a coach and just as a healthy person, I need to realize that this world is not all about me, and that people are often not paying me a second mind. Most people are caught up in their own internal struggles and aren’t laser focused on what I’m doing or not doing or saying. Get over yourself Nikky!

It was this realization that really got me into the mode of putting myself out there in the boot camp. Something that I hope others take away from this post: When you’re working with individuals or teams, either coaching or playing an active role as a member of a team, try to remember that it’s not all about you. Everyone has their own shit they’re dealing with. Everyone is in their own head, worried about how they are coming across or worried about their own conflict with someone. The tension isn’t always about you. People aren’t worried about your misstep when you provided feedback on someone’s code or someone’s acceptance criteria. They are worried about their own missteps. Get over yourself! And if you're working people are in that constant mode of judgment and they are paying attention to your every move, they might have their own unhealthy reactive tendencies.

The Me

This is the fourth in a series of posts describing my experiences at Integral Agile Wizardry Boot Camp attended December 3 - 7, 2014 in San Francisco.

As part of Integral Agile Wizardry Boot Camp, we went through a 360⁰ survey, Leadership Circle Profile™. I got the email in early November to submit a self-assessment and to also identify 11-15 people to provide their own perspectives about me. I did this rather quickly (this makes me think of “Slow Down”). I thought about people from whom I’d like feedback, and mostly picked people who I knew would be tough on me. There were some ‘easy’ choices I could've made, but at the time I figured I knew what the ‘easy’ people would say about me. Sometimes you look back on a choice and realize you were being too hard on yourself. This was one of those times. But I digress.

I usually get pretty good feedback with the exception of one major thing: I’m impatient. I wasn’t terribly worried about this survey and frankly hadn’t thought about it much aside from the email reminders that I had gotten. So, during the training, one of the facilitators handed me my results in a folder. I opened them up rather nonchalantly and started looking. My first reaction was “interesting…that doesn’t look like my normal survey results”. I didn’t put too much emotion into it at that point. I think I was just sort of numb? I’m not really sure. Maybe I’m a delayed emotional reaction type. Maybe I was rationalizing away what was right there on the paper for me to see clearly. Maybe I didn’t really understand it because I was so tired. I really have no idea what I was feeling at the time, but it seems accurate to say that I was feeling “NOTHING”. Shrug…

I observed in my results that statistically, I’m perceived as a very reactive person by those whom responded to the survey. I am perceived as having some creative strengths in areas such as achieving and creative authenticity. My results show that I see myself as a strong creative with a few reactive tendencies. Wowee! I let those facts settle in for a while. A few days, actually. One of the facilitators approached me to tell me “I’m here for you.” I think she knew I needed it, but I hadn’t yet asked for help. We scheduled some time to talk on Wednesday after our daily class session.

I’ve obviously had a month to think about this and reflect. Something I want to be crystal clear about: The results of the survey said that I think I’m a highly creative type, with few reactive tendencies, but that the people whom I surveyed said the exact opposite of that. I don’t think that’s an exaggeration. You should also realize that statistically, companies who have a high number of creative types tend perform better by typical company standards (i.e., financial, growth, etc.). I was not scored as one of the creative types. One might say my results were “bad”. I’m trying to avoid using judgmental language, so I won’t say that. But you might say that if you were one to use judgmental language. I suspect that my results were pretty unique, because Lyssa told me she had explicitly asked to be the one who worked with me on understanding my results. “Well aren’t I special.” Joking aside, I was honored to have had someone like Lyssa to help me.

During the session with Lyssa, I was quite literally sobbing. I’m pretty sure she had tissues available, but I might’ve used my sleeve. As I was sobbing in the chair, she asked me to observe where I felt physical pain. I sobbed “It’s everywhere, I don’t know!” It was true. I physically felt tension everywhere in my body. I was scared as hell of what I learned about myself. A far cry from feeling “nothing” after first observing my results! This hurt, and it hurt a lot. Physically and emotionally. A lot.

I realized that I don’t let people know my heart, except for the very select few. Those people are few and far between. My responses about myself are truly what I feel. I feel like I give room for people to grow and help build them up. I feel like I make close, caring connections with people. But again, a select few.  A couple of handfuls or less. But those people would agree emphatically. I didn’t survey those people. And I’m glad I didn’t. My results would’ve been muted, and I wouldn’t have had the amazing opportunity for growth that I’ve been given.

The other day, I told a peer of mine that I went to a dive bar with my sisters to sing karaoke. He said “your definition and my definition of a dive bar are probably really different.” I was like “huh?!” So I described the bar and he said, “oh, sounds like a dive bar.” I wondered “what does he think of me?!” To me, there is no better bar night than a night in the corner dive bar talking with strangers. Strangers who resemble my favorite family members. People who may have had a rough go of it, but have a good story to tell and have a good heart. There was a guy like that at this dive bar, and I learned that he has an amazing heart and he’s just trying to be a good dad. He sat at our table and pretended to interrogate my sister using water torture (long story, but it was funny).

It’s amazing to me how the stars keep aligning for me to experience the things that I need to grow. Maybe those things have always been there and I’m just now noticing them.

Quote from Leadership Circle Results analysis: “These limitations come from an internal insecurity such as not feeling worthy or loved, feeling rejected, not feeling needed, feeling alone and unprotected. “ If you read it carefully, it sounds a little like a safety warning on a new toy or something. It should start with PROCEED WITH CAUTION...

Um. Ok. Well shit. Yep, that’s it. Lyssa and I talked a lot about my internal conflict. She reassured me that I wouldn’t die if I shared the real me, and that I should take the remainder of the week of training trying my “self” out in the safe environment of my cohorts. She asked me to remind myself that I am worthy. That was difficult. Still is. Good plan, Lyssa. Good plan. I still feel so honored to have been part of such an amazing group.

My commitment to myself and everyone: You will know me. The real me. The me who doesn’t clean her car and leaves laundry for days upon days. The me who frets for hours over a simple email communication. The me who loves a good dive bar, and actually sort of hates the snooty ones. The me who sings “This Girl is on Fire” pretty loudly when she’s drunk. The me who even with minor screw ups, can’t sleep for days. The me who spends hours thinking about a difficult conversation hoping that it comes across in a good way. The me who couldn’t raise her hand in class. The me who left college freshman year because the other girls in the dorm teased me about taking a 5:00 pm shower. The me who was teased in high school quite constantly and had panic attacks that the gas in the science room was leaking out and we were all going to die (not kidding, I really had that fear). I let the select few people know me, but I’m now committing to everyone that the real me will come through. The me who pretty much loves everyone. The me who lives with compassion. And knowing me will only make me a real person to you (hopefully), not make you turn away and confirm my deepest fear: that the real me isn't worthy of your respect, your time, or your friendship.

Learning to Pace Myself

This is the third in a series of posts describing my experiences at Integral Agile Wizardry Boot Camp attended December 3 - 7, 2014 in San Francisco. 

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Slow Down.

One of my fellow wizards in Integral Agile Wizardry class is this deeply insightful, interesting guy. He had recently become quite a minimalist, something I found extremely liberating and interesting. At first I was turned off by him, but as is usual once you get to know someone’s heart just a little bit, you learn to love their heart. At least that’s what always happens to me. (Note to self, ignore first impressions EVERY TIME). I love this guy’s heart. If you read my first blog entry, The Integral Race Begins, and were trying to guess, you’d guess correctly that he was one of the sailing metaphor guys from day one.

Anyway, he spent a lot of time visibly focusing during the training. He was very deliberate in what he said, although sometimes I could get a sense of his internal energy wanting to burst out of him. Then I’d see him sitting in his chair with his eyes closed, very clearly focusing using breathing and some sort of meditation. He was always very articulate and thoughtful in what he said. He didn't rush through it and took the time to complete his thought. Sometimes he was a bit fiery and passionate, but he had this undertone of calm about him. 

At one point during the life changing week, I was telling a story about myself. I think it was during my journey lines presentation the first night. Regardless, I was talking a million miles a minute. This is something I do. I speak so quickly that people can’t even understand me sometimes. He looked me in the eyes and said in a quiet, calm voice, “slow down”. I was taken aback a bit and looked at him and probably laughed a little. He was right. I needed to slow down. I tried.

The question is, why am I always rushing? What am I running from?

I always say I’m not a good joke teller. So: bad at metaphors despite the fact I've used a metaphor pretty successfully in this blog, AND a bad joke teller. Are those true about me? No actually, they are not. I think these things that I say about me are driven by my feeling of inadequacy and not being worthy. 

When I was rushing through my journey lines story, I was afraid of taking up time that I wasn't worthy of taking from everyone. When I retell a joke, I skip to the punchline because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time. Well no wonder, that makes for a TERRIBLE joke teller. Am I worthy of their time? Is what I’m giving them when I take their time WORTH the exchange? In my heart, I have this core belief that I’m not worthy of taking their time in exchange for what I have to offer. It is a really damaging belief that has kept me from my life’s purpose, which is helping people to be their best selves. I've succeeded in doing that a few times in my life, but I've really done some damage sometimes too! Ugh. A different post. 

There was was a joke told by this jovial guy from Belgium during an amazing night of our class.  It was hilarious. Here is the basic joke.  

http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/3382/snail-joke/. 

By the time I got home, I realized that this belief that I can't tell jokes is a lie. It's a lie I made up about myself so I don't have to "steal" time. When I got home, I nervously told my husband the joke. I told it with all of the pauses that my jovial friend from Belgium used, and packed the same punch with the punchline. He laughed his ass off. Wow, I can tell jokes! I told him another one that one of the facilitators told (a bit off-color, which I love, but I won't include here). That second one was lost on him, but it wasn't my joke telling that was flawed... I told the snail joke again at Christmas and got a good laugh from my family. 

This blog is a similar kind of thing. I've shared this blog with the people of the training and have made it public on Google+. I haven’t deliberately shared it within my company or close coworkers yet although they could find it if they wanted to. What a scary thought! (I've included it on my new signature line at work. Who pays attention to those anyway?!) I'm pretty sure that the coach I'm working with is going to encourage me strongly to publish it on Twitter, and maybe even on Facebook. I might need to be drunk first. 

I fear that I’m not deserving of the positive feedback that I've gotten from my cohort wizards about what I've written so far. It’s so much easier for me to write off what they’re saying than it is to believe that what I've said has had an impact on them. Now how messed up is that?! What I know to be true is that these are honest, authentic people. Every.Single.One. So now I have to come to terms with the fact that what they are saying is true. They are telling me that what I’m writing has value and is something they want to hear, so I have to believe them. I have to fight this internal, core belief that I’m not enough - with my logical brain and feeling heart. I’m more likely to believe that people have read it and dismissed it, or not bothered at all.

This takes me to another topic (I have a lot of writing to do), which is “It’s not all about me.” I will get to that one soon. It’s a big one. It might be THE one.

The stars have really aligned to allow me SLOW DOWN and the reminder to do so was timely. I've taken a new position in my current company in which I have three direct reports and a newly aligned leadership team that hasn't worked together before. My job involves alignment and strategy more than it ever has, which REQUIRES slowing down. I don’t have a million tasks to do, and being effective at my job requires me to stop doing a million tasks and let the people whose job it is to do the tasks. My job involves establishing and getting people aligned to a vision and allowing them to execute their work in alignment with that vision and only helping when they ask. 

This is where the old me signs up for lessons in this and classes in that and I work to fill my time with something other than slowing down. This is where I unknowingly steal their thunder by staying in the details and getting in their way. I am resisting that. 

At the end of the training, this meditative, sailing metaphor guy who told me to slow down at the beginning of the class picked me up off my feet in a huge hug and squeezed hard. He said “Slow Down.” I’ll never forget it.