We are part lizard. In a way, it's true. There are parts of us that have been present in our physiological makeup for a very, very long time.
The Lizard Brain
Lizard Brain is a non-scientific way of referring to the amygdala, the part of your brain that triggers your fight or flight response. This fight or flight response is essential to keeping you alive. The trouble with it is that your body interprets life threatening danger when the danger is actually only to your ego.
When you're confronted by a lion, your body reacts very similarly as to when you are confronted with interpersonal conflict. This is a completely natural, reflexive process, and it is something you can do something about.
I find it fascinating that the Lizard Brain is universal - aside from people with a disorder or disease keeping them from feeling emotion. Everyone experiences this reflexive reaction to both physical and psychological threat. Yet so many of us feel shame for experiencing it. "I froze!" "I let my fear get the best of me." "I choked." The first thing I want everyone to realize and accept is that you are not alone in having a Lizard Brain reaction to stress, feedback, or anything else that threatens your ego. Take comfort in this fact. Don't be hard on yourself for this feeling. Acknowledge it, feel the emotion, and let it go. You are NOT alone.
This article is about helping you work through that automatic response so that you can be more effective and consistent when dealing with other people. I think these 4 steps can help you move through the emotions you have when your lizard brain is triggered so that you can choose your response with intention, rather than reaction.
1. Take Notice
Pay attention to what you're feeling. We try to pretend that we don't have emotions at work, but it's just not true. Acknowledging your emotions is powerful and courageous. You will often notice your body reacting to your emotions before you realize that you have emotions.
When your lizard brain has been engaged, you might notice:
your brain getting foggy
a feeling of separation from the current situation
your face heating up
your heart racing
your fists clenching
you might sweat
Think about your own typical reactions and watch for them. Take a minute to do that now, if you can.
Now think about this: How effective can you possibly be when responding from this place?! Your brain gets foggy! Your body starts preparing itself to either RUN or FREEZE. It is very difficult to be in a learning state when your body is reacting this way. And that is NORMAL.
People offering feedback, take notice! The humanness in us creates this situation, and we're usually not choosing it! I'm not suggesting that you have to be 'gentle', but acknowledging that people have a natural physical reaction to feedback and conflict and VERBALIZING THAT can really change the dynamics of the conversation and get both of you back into a learning mode. Helping people acknowledge that these situations are difficult and completely normal can really make the experience a beneficial one.
2. Slow Down
Both the giver and the receiver of the feedback can see that things are going too fast and that you are both feeling more than discomfort. It's not going well. That's normal.
Give it a minute.
Slow down your speech.
Leave space in the conversation. Don't fill the silence.
Walk slower.
Don't rush.
Create a real connection with the person you are talking with. Your intentional slowing down of your own pace will help the other person slow down too.
Interpersonal communication is not just giver and receiver and two way communication. It's a dance between two feeling, whole people, like it or not. When communicating with someone else, your feelings and intention are creating the dynamic. Go into difficult situations with the intention of staying aware of what's happening, slowing down, and being deliberate. It will change everything!
3. Verbalize your feelings
"I'm feeling a little anxious about this. Can we slow it down a little?"
"I notice myself getting upset about this, and I want to be able to really hear what you have to say. Can we take a minute?"
Try not to apologize here. An apology indicates that you've done something wrong. You haven't. Your body is doing exactly what it's built to do. Just acknowledge the feelings and try to get yourself back into a learning and conscious mode of thinking.
4. Prepare to Listen
Give yourself permission to LISTEN. Don't let your brain focus on defending yourself or responding. You might say "What I hear you saying is that you're not happy with how I delegated work on that project. Do I have that right?" Or maybe "It's possible I am misinterpreting this, but what I'm getting is that you want me to change how I delegate. Can we go deeper into what challenge that is creating?"
Be curious about the other person's perspective. Be in learning mode as much as you can! After all, we're all here to grow and get better at what we're doing.
If we can get our ego and lizard brain out of the way as much as possible, we will be more effective at achieving what we've set out to do. Go team human!
Tomorrow I'll write about facilitating trust on teams. As we've all probably learned by reading Patrick Lencioni, trust is the foundation of effective teams.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
A Culture of Safety & Feedback
A ton has been written about feedback, so what's different about this series of articles?
So much of what we focus on when writing about feedback is about the mechanics or the process of giving it. I think many of us ‘get’ that part. But what about taking it a little deeper?
So you're in a performance review, and your boss uses the sandwich feedback method (does anyone do this anymore?)
"You did a really great job on your last project. You really showed your commitment to getting the work done. One thing I noticed is that you had a hard time delegating and took on a lot of the work yourself. But the team was really happy, so great job."
How does this feedback help you? It barely does. You got a couple of compliments sandwiched around a comment that gives you no clue how significant this feedback is. You walk away thinking you did pretty well, but the reality could be that your lack of delegation really limited the people doing the work. Months later, your manager is upset with you because you're still not delegating after getting that sandwich feedback. You had no idea!
Feedback needs to be done with depth. Sandwich feedback is all about keeping us both comfortable (both the receiver and the giver). The reality is, we're not supposed to be comfortable when we're in a growth mindset. Comfort = fixed. Discomfort (but not PANICKED) = growth.
Instead of focusing on how to give feedback, let's focus on how to give and receive it, emotionally. At work, we tend to want emotions and feelings to stay hidden. We want to be fully rational. We try to check our humanness at the door. The fact is, we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T. The humanness of our teams at work is what makes work so interesting! It's where innovation happens. We're not robots, and we need to stop trying to be.
When someone gives us constructive feedback, it can sting. When we have a realization about ourselves, it can be devastating! And that's normal.
This series of articles will describe some steps to create a culture of safety that opens your team up to feedback. Hint: It's not automatic, and it's not actually easy. It is simple, but that doesn't make it easy.
First, we'll discuss the ridiculousness that is our lizard brain. It's a part of us that we CAN do something about. I call it ridiculous because it's there to keep us alive. The trouble is, it's activated not only when our lives are threatened, but also when are egos are threatened. We'll walk through some steps on how to beat your lizard brain and put yourself into learning/listening mode when confronted with an ego impacting 'threat'.A ton has been written about feedback, so what's different about this series of articles?
So much of what we focus on when writing about feedback is about the mechanics or the process of giving it. I think many of us ‘get’ that part. But what about taking it a little deeper?
So you're in a performance review, and your boss uses the sandwich feedback method (does anyone do this anymore?)
"You did a really great job on your last project. You really showed your commitment to getting the work done. One thing I noticed is that you had a hard time delegating and took on a lot of the work yourself. But the team was really happy, so great job."
How does this feedback help you? It barely does. You got a couple of compliments sandwiched around a comment that gives you no clue how significant this feedback is. You walk away thinking you did pretty well, but the reality could be that your lack of delegation really limited the people doing the work. Months later, your manager is upset with you because you're still not delegating after getting that sandwich feedback. You had no idea!
Feedback needs to be done with depth. Sandwich feedback is all about keeping us both comfortable (both the receiver and the giver). The reality is, we're not supposed to be comfortable when we're in a growth mindset. Comfort = fixed. Discomfort (but not PANICKED) = growth.
Instead of focusing on how to give feedback, let's focus on how to give and receive it, emotionally. At work, we tend to want emotions and feelings to stay hidden. We want to be fully rational. We try to check our humanness at the door. The fact is, we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T. The humanness of our teams at work is what makes work so interesting! It's where innovation happens. We're not robots, and we need to stop trying to be.
When someone gives us constructive feedback, it can sting. When we have a realization about ourselves, it can be devastating! And that's normal.
This series of articles will describe some steps to create a culture of safety that opens your team up to feedback. Hint: It's not automatic, and it's not actually easy. It is simple, but that doesn't make it easy.
First, we'll discuss the ridiculousness that is our lizard brain. It's a part of us that we CAN do something about. I call it ridiculous because it's there to keep us alive. The trouble is, it's activated not only when our lives are threatened, but also when are egos are threatened. We'll walk through some steps on how to beat your lizard brain and put yourself into learning/listening mode when confronted with an ego impacting 'threat'.
Second, we'll discuss how to build trust among people. Safety is really important in opening up your teams and organization to feedback. And it's not automatic. When I know that my coworker has my back, has my best interest at heart, and is also vulnerable with me about their strengths and weaknesses, I can feel safe to share feedback with them, and also receive feedback from them. It's worth knowing your coworkers in a deeper way. And it won't actually kill you. More than likely, it will free you!
Third, we will describe some ways of looking at your self-awareness. Are you actively seeking to discover your blindspots? How much of your true self do you share with the people around you?
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on this! We'll see if I can put my own recommendations to use.
Make it a great week!
Second, we'll discuss how to build trust among people. Safety is really important in opening up your teams and organization to feedback. And it's not automatic. When I know that my coworker has my back, has my best interest at heart, and is also vulnerable with me about their strengths and weaknesses, I can feel safe to share feedback with them, and also receive feedback from them. It's worth knowing your coworkers in a deeper way. And it won't actually kill you. More than likely, it will free you!
Third, we will describe some ways of looking at your self-awareness. Are you actively seeking to discover your blindspots? How much of your true self do you share with the people around you?
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on this! We'll see if I can put my own recommendations to use.
Make it a great week!
So much of what we focus on when writing about feedback is about the mechanics or the process of giving it. I think many of us ‘get’ that part. But what about taking it a little deeper?
So you're in a performance review, and your boss uses the sandwich feedback method (does anyone do this anymore?)
"You did a really great job on your last project. You really showed your commitment to getting the work done. One thing I noticed is that you had a hard time delegating and took on a lot of the work yourself. But the team was really happy, so great job."
How does this feedback help you? It barely does. You got a couple of compliments sandwiched around a comment that gives you no clue how significant this feedback is. You walk away thinking you did pretty well, but the reality could be that your lack of delegation really limited the people doing the work. Months later, your manager is upset with you because you're still not delegating after getting that sandwich feedback. You had no idea!
Feedback needs to be done with depth. Sandwich feedback is all about keeping us both comfortable (both the receiver and the giver). The reality is, we're not supposed to be comfortable when we're in a growth mindset. Comfort = fixed. Discomfort (but not PANICKED) = growth.
Instead of focusing on how to give feedback, let's focus on how to give and receive it, emotionally. At work, we tend to want emotions and feelings to stay hidden. We want to be fully rational. We try to check our humanness at the door. The fact is, we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T. The humanness of our teams at work is what makes work so interesting! It's where innovation happens. We're not robots, and we need to stop trying to be.
When someone gives us constructive feedback, it can sting. When we have a realization about ourselves, it can be devastating! And that's normal.
This series of articles will describe some steps to create a culture of safety that opens your team up to feedback. Hint: It's not automatic, and it's not actually easy. It is simple, but that doesn't make it easy.
First, we'll discuss the ridiculousness that is our lizard brain. It's a part of us that we CAN do something about. I call it ridiculous because it's there to keep us alive. The trouble is, it's activated not only when our lives are threatened, but also when are egos are threatened. We'll walk through some steps on how to beat your lizard brain and put yourself into learning/listening mode when confronted with an ego impacting 'threat'.A ton has been written about feedback, so what's different about this series of articles?
So much of what we focus on when writing about feedback is about the mechanics or the process of giving it. I think many of us ‘get’ that part. But what about taking it a little deeper?
So you're in a performance review, and your boss uses the sandwich feedback method (does anyone do this anymore?)
"You did a really great job on your last project. You really showed your commitment to getting the work done. One thing I noticed is that you had a hard time delegating and took on a lot of the work yourself. But the team was really happy, so great job."
How does this feedback help you? It barely does. You got a couple of compliments sandwiched around a comment that gives you no clue how significant this feedback is. You walk away thinking you did pretty well, but the reality could be that your lack of delegation really limited the people doing the work. Months later, your manager is upset with you because you're still not delegating after getting that sandwich feedback. You had no idea!
Feedback needs to be done with depth. Sandwich feedback is all about keeping us both comfortable (both the receiver and the giver). The reality is, we're not supposed to be comfortable when we're in a growth mindset. Comfort = fixed. Discomfort (but not PANICKED) = growth.
Instead of focusing on how to give feedback, let's focus on how to give and receive it, emotionally. At work, we tend to want emotions and feelings to stay hidden. We want to be fully rational. We try to check our humanness at the door. The fact is, we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T. The humanness of our teams at work is what makes work so interesting! It's where innovation happens. We're not robots, and we need to stop trying to be.
When someone gives us constructive feedback, it can sting. When we have a realization about ourselves, it can be devastating! And that's normal.
This series of articles will describe some steps to create a culture of safety that opens your team up to feedback. Hint: It's not automatic, and it's not actually easy. It is simple, but that doesn't make it easy.
First, we'll discuss the ridiculousness that is our lizard brain. It's a part of us that we CAN do something about. I call it ridiculous because it's there to keep us alive. The trouble is, it's activated not only when our lives are threatened, but also when are egos are threatened. We'll walk through some steps on how to beat your lizard brain and put yourself into learning/listening mode when confronted with an ego impacting 'threat'.
Second, we'll discuss how to build trust among people. Safety is really important in opening up your teams and organization to feedback. And it's not automatic. When I know that my coworker has my back, has my best interest at heart, and is also vulnerable with me about their strengths and weaknesses, I can feel safe to share feedback with them, and also receive feedback from them. It's worth knowing your coworkers in a deeper way. And it won't actually kill you. More than likely, it will free you!
Third, we will describe some ways of looking at your self-awareness. Are you actively seeking to discover your blindspots? How much of your true self do you share with the people around you?
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on this! We'll see if I can put my own recommendations to use.
Make it a great week!
Second, we'll discuss how to build trust among people. Safety is really important in opening up your teams and organization to feedback. And it's not automatic. When I know that my coworker has my back, has my best interest at heart, and is also vulnerable with me about their strengths and weaknesses, I can feel safe to share feedback with them, and also receive feedback from them. It's worth knowing your coworkers in a deeper way. And it won't actually kill you. More than likely, it will free you!
Third, we will describe some ways of looking at your self-awareness. Are you actively seeking to discover your blindspots? How much of your true self do you share with the people around you?
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on this! We'll see if I can put my own recommendations to use.
Make it a great week!
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