Post 1: The Starting Line of Integral Agile Wizardry
Post 2: The Integral Race Begins
Post 3: Learning to Pace Myself
Post 4: The Me
Around the third day of Integral Agile Wizardry Bootcamp, I started to get out of my own way a little bit. I started to put myself into the group (the WE, if you are an integral person). Instead of sitting in the group fearing to speak, I started to put myself out there. At this point I still hadn’t dealt with my survey results (see this post), but I had started to realize I was a worthy part of the group nonetheless.
On a smaller scale, we had established groups of 5 to work together on creating an Integral Agile Readiness Assessment that we could take back to our companies and expand upon. The group was made up of a pretty diverse set of people. All of us had our own set of creative and reactive tendencies, and the dynamics of the group created a perfect environment to explore and experiment with those tendencies.
Immediately upon our group joining together, group dynamics took hold. Tuckman’s stages of group development come to mind: Forming, Storming, Norming, and Performing.
Our group did a little bit of Forming work, but not to be outdone, we went pretty quickly into Storming. And what a Storm it was. Who hasn’t been in a group with a super diverse set of people and hasn’t gotten completely stuck in Storming? The setup of the group provided a perfect parallel to what an agile team goes through. We had all of the right ingredients:
- A goal (Draft Agile Readiness Assessment)
- A timebox (End of the week)
- Motivated, committed people
- People with diverse skills and backgrounds
We agreed to work together, and we tried the good ole' agile technique of an information radiator. We combined individual work with group work by individually brainstorming focal points and then coming together to combine those focal points. Brilliant.
Or not. We got caught up in process (IT quadrant) again, trying to categorize things appropriately and not duplicate multiple focal points. UGH! I kept observing my reactive tendencies to want to take over and control the situation. I’d observe, accept the feeling, and move on. I’d feel intensity in my core. I’d acknowledge the feeling, accept it, and relax. Throughout, I kept trying to get us going and was open about my feedback on how we were doing. I was sure people could feel my frustration, but I really tried to take more of a backseat. At least for me, it felt like a backseat.
At the end of one of our group sessions we did a brief gratitude exercise to close the day. We went around our small group, appreciating each other for whatever each of us found compelled to appreciate. As we went around the group, it was clear to me that there was some major unsaid tension. I was so sure that everyone was pissed at me for having my reactive tendencies come out. I started to get more and more upset and by the time we got around to all five of us and we were ready to step away, I blurted out, “I feel like there’s some major tension in our group. I would please ask you to provide me with feedback if I’ve offended you or if my reactive tendencies have impacted you negatively today.” Everyone awkwardly looked around at each other. Suddenly the floodgates opened. In fact there was some unsaid tension. But that tension had very little to do with me. I was only there taking on the feelings of the group as my own. I was accurate in my feeling of tension, but I was way off about it being all about me.
What’s the big lesson here?
There can be tension happening in a group of which I am a part, and it’s NOT ALL ABOUT ME. I really need to get over myself. How does this ‘being caught up in myself’ impact my ability to coach teams and organizations? It has a MAJOR impact.
I realized during the boot camp that I have all of this static going on inside my head about how I’m being perceived, what people are thinking about me, how they are looking at me, and how they are judging me. And I do this to a point that is unhealthy and unproductive. I’m not suggesting I should be walking around not giving a shit. But I kind of am. As a coach and just as a healthy person, I need to realize that this world is not all about me, and that people are often not paying me a second mind. Most people are caught up in their own internal struggles and aren’t laser focused on what I’m doing or not doing or saying. Get over yourself Nikky!
It was this realization that really got me into the mode of putting myself out there in the boot camp. Something that I hope others take away from this post: When you’re working with individuals or teams, either coaching or playing an active role as a member of a team, try to remember that it’s not all about you. Everyone has their own shit they’re dealing with. Everyone is in their own head, worried about how they are coming across or worried about their own conflict with someone. The tension isn’t always about you. People aren’t worried about your misstep when you provided feedback on someone’s code or someone’s acceptance criteria. They are worried about their own missteps. Get over yourself! And if you're working people are in that constant mode of judgment and they are paying attention to your every move, they might have their own unhealthy reactive tendencies.
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