We are part lizard. In a way, it's true. There are parts of us that have been present in our physiological makeup for a very, very long time.
The Lizard Brain
Lizard Brain is a non-scientific way of referring to the amygdala, the part of your brain that triggers your fight or flight response. This fight or flight response is essential to keeping you alive. The trouble with it is that your body interprets life threatening danger when the danger is actually only to your ego.
When you're confronted by a lion, your body reacts very similarly as to when you are confronted with interpersonal conflict. This is a completely natural, reflexive process, and it is something you can do something about.
I find it fascinating that the Lizard Brain is universal - aside from people with a disorder or disease keeping them from feeling emotion. Everyone experiences this reflexive reaction to both physical and psychological threat. Yet so many of us feel shame for experiencing it. "I froze!" "I let my fear get the best of me." "I choked." The first thing I want everyone to realize and accept is that you are not alone in having a Lizard Brain reaction to stress, feedback, or anything else that threatens your ego. Take comfort in this fact. Don't be hard on yourself for this feeling. Acknowledge it, feel the emotion, and let it go. You are NOT alone.
This article is about helping you work through that automatic response so that you can be more effective and consistent when dealing with other people. I think these 4 steps can help you move through the emotions you have when your lizard brain is triggered so that you can choose your response with intention, rather than reaction.
1. Take Notice
Pay attention to what you're feeling. We try to pretend that we don't have emotions at work, but it's just not true. Acknowledging your emotions is powerful and courageous. You will often notice your body reacting to your emotions before you realize that you have emotions.
When your lizard brain has been engaged, you might notice:
your brain getting foggy
a feeling of separation from the current situation
your face heating up
your heart racing
your fists clenching
you might sweat
Think about your own typical reactions and watch for them. Take a minute to do that now, if you can.
Now think about this: How effective can you possibly be when responding from this place?! Your brain gets foggy! Your body starts preparing itself to either RUN or FREEZE. It is very difficult to be in a learning state when your body is reacting this way. And that is NORMAL.
People offering feedback, take notice! The humanness in us creates this situation, and we're usually not choosing it! I'm not suggesting that you have to be 'gentle', but acknowledging that people have a natural physical reaction to feedback and conflict and VERBALIZING THAT can really change the dynamics of the conversation and get both of you back into a learning mode. Helping people acknowledge that these situations are difficult and completely normal can really make the experience a beneficial one.
2. Slow Down
Both the giver and the receiver of the feedback can see that things are going too fast and that you are both feeling more than discomfort. It's not going well. That's normal.
Give it a minute.
Slow down your speech.
Leave space in the conversation. Don't fill the silence.
Walk slower.
Don't rush.
Create a real connection with the person you are talking with. Your intentional slowing down of your own pace will help the other person slow down too.
Interpersonal communication is not just giver and receiver and two way communication. It's a dance between two feeling, whole people, like it or not. When communicating with someone else, your feelings and intention are creating the dynamic. Go into difficult situations with the intention of staying aware of what's happening, slowing down, and being deliberate. It will change everything!
3. Verbalize your feelings
"I'm feeling a little anxious about this. Can we slow it down a little?"
"I notice myself getting upset about this, and I want to be able to really hear what you have to say. Can we take a minute?"
Try not to apologize here. An apology indicates that you've done something wrong. You haven't. Your body is doing exactly what it's built to do. Just acknowledge the feelings and try to get yourself back into a learning and conscious mode of thinking.
4. Prepare to Listen
Give yourself permission to LISTEN. Don't let your brain focus on defending yourself or responding. You might say "What I hear you saying is that you're not happy with how I delegated work on that project. Do I have that right?" Or maybe "It's possible I am misinterpreting this, but what I'm getting is that you want me to change how I delegate. Can we go deeper into what challenge that is creating?"
Be curious about the other person's perspective. Be in learning mode as much as you can! After all, we're all here to grow and get better at what we're doing.
If we can get our ego and lizard brain out of the way as much as possible, we will be more effective at achieving what we've set out to do. Go team human!
Tomorrow I'll write about facilitating trust on teams. As we've all probably learned by reading Patrick Lencioni, trust is the foundation of effective teams.
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
A Culture of Safety & Feedback
A ton has been written about feedback, so what's different about this series of articles?
So much of what we focus on when writing about feedback is about the mechanics or the process of giving it. I think many of us ‘get’ that part. But what about taking it a little deeper?
So you're in a performance review, and your boss uses the sandwich feedback method (does anyone do this anymore?)
"You did a really great job on your last project. You really showed your commitment to getting the work done. One thing I noticed is that you had a hard time delegating and took on a lot of the work yourself. But the team was really happy, so great job."
How does this feedback help you? It barely does. You got a couple of compliments sandwiched around a comment that gives you no clue how significant this feedback is. You walk away thinking you did pretty well, but the reality could be that your lack of delegation really limited the people doing the work. Months later, your manager is upset with you because you're still not delegating after getting that sandwich feedback. You had no idea!
Feedback needs to be done with depth. Sandwich feedback is all about keeping us both comfortable (both the receiver and the giver). The reality is, we're not supposed to be comfortable when we're in a growth mindset. Comfort = fixed. Discomfort (but not PANICKED) = growth.
Instead of focusing on how to give feedback, let's focus on how to give and receive it, emotionally. At work, we tend to want emotions and feelings to stay hidden. We want to be fully rational. We try to check our humanness at the door. The fact is, we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T. The humanness of our teams at work is what makes work so interesting! It's where innovation happens. We're not robots, and we need to stop trying to be.
When someone gives us constructive feedback, it can sting. When we have a realization about ourselves, it can be devastating! And that's normal.
This series of articles will describe some steps to create a culture of safety that opens your team up to feedback. Hint: It's not automatic, and it's not actually easy. It is simple, but that doesn't make it easy.
First, we'll discuss the ridiculousness that is our lizard brain. It's a part of us that we CAN do something about. I call it ridiculous because it's there to keep us alive. The trouble is, it's activated not only when our lives are threatened, but also when are egos are threatened. We'll walk through some steps on how to beat your lizard brain and put yourself into learning/listening mode when confronted with an ego impacting 'threat'.A ton has been written about feedback, so what's different about this series of articles?
So much of what we focus on when writing about feedback is about the mechanics or the process of giving it. I think many of us ‘get’ that part. But what about taking it a little deeper?
So you're in a performance review, and your boss uses the sandwich feedback method (does anyone do this anymore?)
"You did a really great job on your last project. You really showed your commitment to getting the work done. One thing I noticed is that you had a hard time delegating and took on a lot of the work yourself. But the team was really happy, so great job."
How does this feedback help you? It barely does. You got a couple of compliments sandwiched around a comment that gives you no clue how significant this feedback is. You walk away thinking you did pretty well, but the reality could be that your lack of delegation really limited the people doing the work. Months later, your manager is upset with you because you're still not delegating after getting that sandwich feedback. You had no idea!
Feedback needs to be done with depth. Sandwich feedback is all about keeping us both comfortable (both the receiver and the giver). The reality is, we're not supposed to be comfortable when we're in a growth mindset. Comfort = fixed. Discomfort (but not PANICKED) = growth.
Instead of focusing on how to give feedback, let's focus on how to give and receive it, emotionally. At work, we tend to want emotions and feelings to stay hidden. We want to be fully rational. We try to check our humanness at the door. The fact is, we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T. The humanness of our teams at work is what makes work so interesting! It's where innovation happens. We're not robots, and we need to stop trying to be.
When someone gives us constructive feedback, it can sting. When we have a realization about ourselves, it can be devastating! And that's normal.
This series of articles will describe some steps to create a culture of safety that opens your team up to feedback. Hint: It's not automatic, and it's not actually easy. It is simple, but that doesn't make it easy.
First, we'll discuss the ridiculousness that is our lizard brain. It's a part of us that we CAN do something about. I call it ridiculous because it's there to keep us alive. The trouble is, it's activated not only when our lives are threatened, but also when are egos are threatened. We'll walk through some steps on how to beat your lizard brain and put yourself into learning/listening mode when confronted with an ego impacting 'threat'.
Second, we'll discuss how to build trust among people. Safety is really important in opening up your teams and organization to feedback. And it's not automatic. When I know that my coworker has my back, has my best interest at heart, and is also vulnerable with me about their strengths and weaknesses, I can feel safe to share feedback with them, and also receive feedback from them. It's worth knowing your coworkers in a deeper way. And it won't actually kill you. More than likely, it will free you!
Third, we will describe some ways of looking at your self-awareness. Are you actively seeking to discover your blindspots? How much of your true self do you share with the people around you?
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on this! We'll see if I can put my own recommendations to use.
Make it a great week!
Second, we'll discuss how to build trust among people. Safety is really important in opening up your teams and organization to feedback. And it's not automatic. When I know that my coworker has my back, has my best interest at heart, and is also vulnerable with me about their strengths and weaknesses, I can feel safe to share feedback with them, and also receive feedback from them. It's worth knowing your coworkers in a deeper way. And it won't actually kill you. More than likely, it will free you!
Third, we will describe some ways of looking at your self-awareness. Are you actively seeking to discover your blindspots? How much of your true self do you share with the people around you?
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on this! We'll see if I can put my own recommendations to use.
Make it a great week!
So much of what we focus on when writing about feedback is about the mechanics or the process of giving it. I think many of us ‘get’ that part. But what about taking it a little deeper?
So you're in a performance review, and your boss uses the sandwich feedback method (does anyone do this anymore?)
"You did a really great job on your last project. You really showed your commitment to getting the work done. One thing I noticed is that you had a hard time delegating and took on a lot of the work yourself. But the team was really happy, so great job."
How does this feedback help you? It barely does. You got a couple of compliments sandwiched around a comment that gives you no clue how significant this feedback is. You walk away thinking you did pretty well, but the reality could be that your lack of delegation really limited the people doing the work. Months later, your manager is upset with you because you're still not delegating after getting that sandwich feedback. You had no idea!
Feedback needs to be done with depth. Sandwich feedback is all about keeping us both comfortable (both the receiver and the giver). The reality is, we're not supposed to be comfortable when we're in a growth mindset. Comfort = fixed. Discomfort (but not PANICKED) = growth.
Instead of focusing on how to give feedback, let's focus on how to give and receive it, emotionally. At work, we tend to want emotions and feelings to stay hidden. We want to be fully rational. We try to check our humanness at the door. The fact is, we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T. The humanness of our teams at work is what makes work so interesting! It's where innovation happens. We're not robots, and we need to stop trying to be.
When someone gives us constructive feedback, it can sting. When we have a realization about ourselves, it can be devastating! And that's normal.
This series of articles will describe some steps to create a culture of safety that opens your team up to feedback. Hint: It's not automatic, and it's not actually easy. It is simple, but that doesn't make it easy.
First, we'll discuss the ridiculousness that is our lizard brain. It's a part of us that we CAN do something about. I call it ridiculous because it's there to keep us alive. The trouble is, it's activated not only when our lives are threatened, but also when are egos are threatened. We'll walk through some steps on how to beat your lizard brain and put yourself into learning/listening mode when confronted with an ego impacting 'threat'.A ton has been written about feedback, so what's different about this series of articles?
So much of what we focus on when writing about feedback is about the mechanics or the process of giving it. I think many of us ‘get’ that part. But what about taking it a little deeper?
So you're in a performance review, and your boss uses the sandwich feedback method (does anyone do this anymore?)
"You did a really great job on your last project. You really showed your commitment to getting the work done. One thing I noticed is that you had a hard time delegating and took on a lot of the work yourself. But the team was really happy, so great job."
How does this feedback help you? It barely does. You got a couple of compliments sandwiched around a comment that gives you no clue how significant this feedback is. You walk away thinking you did pretty well, but the reality could be that your lack of delegation really limited the people doing the work. Months later, your manager is upset with you because you're still not delegating after getting that sandwich feedback. You had no idea!
Feedback needs to be done with depth. Sandwich feedback is all about keeping us both comfortable (both the receiver and the giver). The reality is, we're not supposed to be comfortable when we're in a growth mindset. Comfort = fixed. Discomfort (but not PANICKED) = growth.
Instead of focusing on how to give feedback, let's focus on how to give and receive it, emotionally. At work, we tend to want emotions and feelings to stay hidden. We want to be fully rational. We try to check our humanness at the door. The fact is, we CAN'T and SHOULDN'T. The humanness of our teams at work is what makes work so interesting! It's where innovation happens. We're not robots, and we need to stop trying to be.
When someone gives us constructive feedback, it can sting. When we have a realization about ourselves, it can be devastating! And that's normal.
This series of articles will describe some steps to create a culture of safety that opens your team up to feedback. Hint: It's not automatic, and it's not actually easy. It is simple, but that doesn't make it easy.
First, we'll discuss the ridiculousness that is our lizard brain. It's a part of us that we CAN do something about. I call it ridiculous because it's there to keep us alive. The trouble is, it's activated not only when our lives are threatened, but also when are egos are threatened. We'll walk through some steps on how to beat your lizard brain and put yourself into learning/listening mode when confronted with an ego impacting 'threat'.
Second, we'll discuss how to build trust among people. Safety is really important in opening up your teams and organization to feedback. And it's not automatic. When I know that my coworker has my back, has my best interest at heart, and is also vulnerable with me about their strengths and weaknesses, I can feel safe to share feedback with them, and also receive feedback from them. It's worth knowing your coworkers in a deeper way. And it won't actually kill you. More than likely, it will free you!
Third, we will describe some ways of looking at your self-awareness. Are you actively seeking to discover your blindspots? How much of your true self do you share with the people around you?
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on this! We'll see if I can put my own recommendations to use.
Make it a great week!
Second, we'll discuss how to build trust among people. Safety is really important in opening up your teams and organization to feedback. And it's not automatic. When I know that my coworker has my back, has my best interest at heart, and is also vulnerable with me about their strengths and weaknesses, I can feel safe to share feedback with them, and also receive feedback from them. It's worth knowing your coworkers in a deeper way. And it won't actually kill you. More than likely, it will free you!
Third, we will describe some ways of looking at your self-awareness. Are you actively seeking to discover your blindspots? How much of your true self do you share with the people around you?
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback on this! We'll see if I can put my own recommendations to use.
Make it a great week!
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Self Reliance and Victim Mindset
1. Hope as an inspiration but not Hope as a need
A lot of our weekend was focused on the idea of giving up hope. No, I'm not kidding. And that's not to say that 'having hope' is a bad thing. Hope is inspirational. Hope can be a source of aspiration. But it can also be a source of desperation. It can be the figurative act of beating your head against a wall. It can be a distraction from seeing what's possible, and a way of keeping yourself stuck in what cannot be. Where are you stuck? Are you holding on to hope as a need?2. Accepting the Truth over Wanting Things to be Different
This is where letting go of hope serves us. If we put our energy into constantly wishing that things were different, we're wasting our energy. This act of showing up self-reliantly, and seeing others as self-reliant, means that we accept others as whole, capable people. Remember the Popeye episode where the old escalator stairs flatten out and Popeye and Olive Oil fall to the bottom of the stairs? That's the feeling that letting go of this tension reminds me of. Holding on to this 'wishing that things were different' has us continually trying to make it up the broken escalator and falling back to the bottom. Accept the truth of what is, and work from that point, rather than keeping yourself stuck in wishing things were different.3. Detached Yet Connected
In coaching, there's a important tension to hold (or let go of): being "Detached, Yet Connected". A big part of coaching for me, has been a journey of learning to SLOOOOW DOWN and Connect. Real, true, open-hearted connection with the people/teams/ organizations I'm coaching. It's been a learning process, and frankly I'm still learning about this. I probably always will be. Sitting with the intention of detached yet connected has me not longing for the person to find some truth that I think I have for them or imparting some wisdom on them. It's about connecting, open-heartedly, to the truth they have within them. I'm detached from their outcome, but connected to them and their truth, whatever that might be. I don't own the work it takes for them to achieve their goal (detached), but I'm connected to them personally, and I care about their growth and serving them in that growth. Everyone has their own hero's journey to travel upon.4. Stepping Into Our Power yet Accepting our Limits
There is incredible power in holding space for someone in an open-hearted, connected way; in showing up, and truly listening. Not listening for what you want to hear, but listening and sensing what is being said and felt. The power of witnessing the unleashing of a person's creativity is invigorating. And yet, we are limited in that power. Sometimes we have a inkling of and we are able to see something that the person, team, or organization we are coaching is not ready to see. We are limited in what we can do to get them to see that thing. In fact, this is where we are truly powerless. You know the old story about leading a horse to water. As they say, we can't make them drink.Where are you stuck? Where might you be limiting yourself through 'holding on to hope'? What situations are you in where you have need for it to go a certain way, despite your limit in making that way come to pass? Let it be. Accept that the escalator is broken. Come at it from a different angle, but don't bring along that feeling of need or desperation. That feeling comes through in your interaction. Through that feeling, you take away your client's ownership of the problem/solution, and you take away their power.
Saturday, April 28, 2018
Finding the Light
Rebuilding yourself
Over and over
Searching, seeking, redefining
Turning over rocks and leaves
And finding all the places
where the light doesn’t shine
Every now and then
Seeing the light peak through
Trying to hold onto it
But you can’t hold on to light
You can see it
You can feel its warmth
But holding it turns it into dust particles floating in the air
So you dig deeper
You go under
You dig a cave
And bring the rocks and leaves you’ve overturned
With you into the cave
You wait there
You sit there
Under the debris you’ve brought along
Wondering where all the light went
Then this little light you have with you
Becomes two beams of light
You start to find your power
You see small shards of light
And return to the light you thought you had left behind
You follow it out
And you feel that light again
You touch it but you don’t hold on to it
You let it go
That letting go feels like darkness for a minute
But it isn’t
It’s actually the finding of the light
And then you realize
That the light is not shining from them
The light is connection
It’s love
It’s your love that is light
After finding all of those places light didn’t shine
You forgot to look inside
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